


march/november

by xgyunyu



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Character Death, College, Death, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Psychological Trauma, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, University Student Oikawa Tooru
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:47:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29760567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xgyunyu/pseuds/xgyunyu
Summary: Please, come and take me away from here.In which y/n (an Oikawa kinnie) and Toru go through the growing pain of a messy breakup after six years of being together.College AU Oikawa Toru x fem!reader short story.
Relationships: Oikawa Tooru/Reader
Comments: 3
Kudos: 3





	1. (trigger) warnings and author's note :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi. this is the first story i'm posting online and i'm actually so nervous.
> 
> also, english is not my first language so i want to apologize in advance for any mistakes.
> 
> :)

**I will not put any other trigger warnings from now on, so this will be your one and only trigger warning for the entire story.**  
Please read carefully before you proceed.

It's okay if you come to the conclusion that you won't be able to handle the contents of this story; thank you for even giving my story a chance.  
If you ever reach a point where you _can_ read this story without it negatively affecting your mental health, then you're more than welcome to come back at a later time.  
My intention is that this story will still be here in the future, so please do not push yourself now.

If you do decide to read on, then this is your own decision and you'll have to accept the consequences of that.

_trigger warnings (contains spoilers)_

The content of this story consists of, but is not limited to:

Suicide, major character death, hurt, no comfort, heavy angst, mental illness depiction, graphic description of bodily trauma, graphic description of emotional trauma/difficulty.

If you are sensitive to any of these, then I suggest you stop reading further.

_some more warnings_

This is a fem!reader story. I wanted to give a warning up ahead because I don't want anyone to experience gender dysphoria or discomfort of the sort.  
If you are sensitive to this, please stop reading.

This is an x reader story, but it's also an AU with a complex and potentially morally grey y/n.  
This means that y/n will have certain character traits and thought patterns that may not align with your own: you'll perhaps have to imagine yourself in a different way than you usually are.  
If this is not to your taste, then I suggest you don't read further.

The point of view will change twice in this story between y/n and Toru.

Toru's age will not match the age that the Haikyu!! creators have given him; i just really wanted this story to take place in 2020/2021.  
He's an adult in this story.

Thank you _so much_ for reading my story.  
I hope you enjoy :)


	2. November 2020

####  _November 2020, y/n's point of view_

"Why can't you be happy for me?" you ask.

Chills are running down your spine as you wait for him to answer. You are not asking the question as a way of provoking him at all. I mean, you've already decided... but you are genuinely curious to know how he could be spiteful about something that honestly makes you happy.

The sound of the rain tapping on the window should calm you down but it elicits fear within you instead. It feels as though the tapping is coming from a clock, counting down the seconds to disaster with a haphazard rhythm.

You watch Toru's back tense up through his white t-shirt as his right arm reaches for his hair. He grasps a handful of his warm brown hair, sighs, then puts down his arm and turns around. Your heartbeat rises as you look into his eyes. His normally friendly and slightly playful eyes seem clouded by his toxic thoughts. It's all going to end here.

"Y/n, don't fucking play the victim on me."

"I'm not..."

"Why did it have to be volleyball? Huh?"

"Toru, you know why." You look at him completely defeated. "It's the first time I've been genuinely good at something."

"No, be fucking honest with me."

His voice gets deeper. He tries to regain composure, but you can sense that he has already passed the point of no return.

"Did you choose volleyball on purpose to fucking watch me fall apart? Was that your plan all along, taking me down?"

He knits his brows together, looking at you impatiently. It feels as if he is releasing years of pent up anger through his words.

"Why would I ever fucking do that?" Your voice shakes from his harsh words.

You pause. Not because you're expecting an answer from him, but because you want to make sure that the next few words convey your feelings honestly.

"I love you, Toru. I know you convince yourself that I don't, but I do."

The words are loaded with emotion and you catch yourself hoping that it will make him realize that the argument is going in a direction that it shouldn't.  
But it only makes him angrier instead. He scoffs. A fake laugh of disbelief erupts from the man you've been calling my boyfriend for nearly six years.  
He charges towards you, forcing your back against the wall so hard that it makes you let out an unintentional whimper and squeeze your eyes shut. He pins his arm to the wall, right next to your head, and forcefully pulls your chin up with his free hand.

"I'm not crazy, so don't treat me like I am, y/n." He yells in your face. Tears well up in your eyes unwillingly. You feel disgustingly weak.  
Normally, it would end here. Toru would realize it had gotten too far, and go for a walk to calm down. This time the situation just spirals.

The second he sees tears forming in your eyes he breathes out in frustration and puts distance between your faces. He stares at you in disbelief, eyes wide with rage.

"No fucking way you're pulling the crying card."

He slams the hand that was next to you against the wall, causing you to flinch and put your arms up in defense.

"No fucking way you're pulling the crying card on me, y/n."

You can feel your heart beat in your throat. The air in the room thickens, causing your steady airflow to falter. Never in all those years have you witnessed Toru like this. Never have you been scared of him. You were each other's home for the longest time.

Problems started arising about two years ago, you recall: Toru started making passive-aggressive comments, staying at uni until closing time, sometimes straight-up ignoring your texts and calls. Then, when you wanted to talk about it, he'd say he was sorry, that it was a stressful time and that he'd try and fix it. But he never did.  
You had lost the Toru you had fallen in love with ever since you were admitted to the Tokyo National Sports University with a volleyball scholarship... and he wasn't.

He joined the Tokyo National Sports University for volleyball, too. But he never received a scholarship like you did. Even though he had worked for it his entire life.

Volleyball was the first thing in your life you were naturally good at, the first time you got better and better as you worked harder, and the first time you had ever been truly proud of yourself.

But it was supposed to be his thing. He may have introduced you to volleyball but it was never supposed to become your thing. You guys were supposed to play volleyball leisurely and he was supposed to be good at it, showing off his skills to you.  
You should never have become a competitor to him. But it felt nice to be good at something for once in your life. You thought he'd be happy, too. A stupid thought, honestly, because you would have hated it if the roles were reversed.  
Toru and you are very alike in some aspects like that.

This became painfully clear for the first time in high school. Honestly, high school was a terrible time for you. You were always overexerting yourself, staying up until two in the morning to study. It had gotten to a point where your self-worth depended on your results and achievements.  
You were always in the top 5 in class, but no matter how hard you studied, one of your friends always ended up scoring higher. You honestly loved your friends. You cared for them. You wanted all of them to succeed. Of course. But _you_ wanted to be the best.

You hated yourself and you were afraid that other people would see you the way you saw yourself, so you did everything you could to mask it. You were terrified of being discardable, of being overshadowed, of being worthless, so you did everything you could to be the best at everything: school, extracurriculars, looks, social skills.

The perfectionist tendencies lingered and seeped through in areas of your life that you couldn't have foreseen, though. You started noticing that over the years you had become your own worst enemy. You did not need anyone around you to tell you or show you that you were useless. You were perfectly fine telling yourself every night.

Toru and you met each other on the playground as children and became best friends immediately. The little boy was a ball of sunshine.  
The earliest memories you have are of you biking to his house to ask if he can come outside to play, or of him eating dinner at your house.

You drifted apart when you entered middle school. There was no hostility, though. In high school you'd still say hi in the hallways and have little catch-up talks, but you were both busy.

You both had quite good reputations as you were hard-working and friendly with almost everyone. While you slowly succumbed under the weight of it all, you remembered thinking how strong Toru was for dealing with all of it and never letting his charming smile leave his lips.  
He was always okay, no one had to worry about him. He was a safe place for everyone, a rock in unruly water, if you will. It made everyone love him even more. And it made you look up to him and strive to be like that.

One time though, he told you how he, too, worked himself to the edge of passing out for years. And from there on you bonded over your deepest insecurities.


	3. March 2015

####  _March 2015, y/n's point of view, high school days_

That one time was in sophomore year in March.

Long after the school day was over you were pacing around the field in front of your school building. The sun was slowly setting, wrapping the entire field in a warm orange hue.  
You were picking at a flower, trying to keep yourself from pulling your own hair out. How could you actually be failing? You, of all people? Why were you so fucking weak? How were you going to get into college if you could not even handle this?

You felt like you were slowly losing your mind, slowly descending into complete inability.  
Everything seemed to be falling apart: schoolwork and extracurriculars were piling up and you couldn't keep up with your 2 am study sessions. To add fuel to the fire, your parents were always asking about school, about grades, about how others were doing, and what their grades were.  
The stress was affecting how you looked, too, and you felt uglier than ever before. On top of that, your stress made you keep to yourself and you could already feel your social circles become smaller.

You were unable to think of solutions for your current situation. The only thoughts going through your mind were more like chants: I have to keep up, I need to, I need to, I need to.

Anger caused tears to stream down your face. Scared that someone would notice your frantic pacing, you decided to sit down on the bench under the cherry blossom tree. The first contact with the cold wood of the bench made you flinch, but you grew accustomed to it rather quickly.

You looked out into your school field, which was completely empty now, and you watched the cherry blossoms rain down on the washed-out yellow pavement. The sun was almost gone, leaving the sky to be a mixture of purple, pink, and dark blue.  
You just looked out into the distance, completely numbed down and unable to do anything, allowing the tears to run down your face.

You knew you could not cry when you got home. It was still too early, everyone would still be downstairs. They'd get suspicious if you went to your room immediately when you came home.

Your mind started drifting and you made up some comforting storyline to keep your thoughts from spiraling. The wind caused chills to run up your spine and the dark was setting in now, but you were completely dissociated from the world, basking in the comfort of your daydream with tears still streaming down your face.

You watched the stars appear in the spring sky, and you felt sad at how you had never done this before. Never before have you watched the stars, never have you just sat down and let the world consume you. The only thing you had known was doing more and being more. Going through life on auto-pilot, always looking for the next task.  
You gripped your sweater tightly, maybe in an attempt to assure yourself of your existence, even in this moment as you're not working towards anything.

A good hour must have passed by like this. Your tears had slowly dried up in the March wind, and you sat there, eyes red, feeling numb and empty, thoughtlessly gazing at the stars above the school field. The light of a plane caught your eye and you tried following it for as long as you could.

The sudden feeling of a hand on your shoulder caused your instincts to kick in and you put your hands up in a fighter's position as you jolted your body towards the person's direction. Your embarrassing and dramatic reaction made the boy laugh out into the silent cold night. You hadn't even noticed how silent it was until he broke it with his outburst of pure joy.

"You're going to knock me out, y/n?" He asked as he burst out in a giggle again.

"Toru, oh my god, I swear to god. Fuck."  
Being awoken from your numbed-down state made your brain frantically search for actual words again. You quickly tried to compose yourself.

"I thought I was going to get killed." You added, letting out a chuckle because his laugh sparked a little joy in you as well. Toru's laugh slowly faded before he spoke up.

"Well, it could have happened, you know? You're lucky it was me. Why are you here, anyway?'' He asked, his hands in the pockets of his winter coat as he looked around absentmindedly to signify he meant this place.

"I had extracurriculars."

"Oh."

"Why are you here, Oikawa?"

He sat down next to you, which honestly made you uncomfortable. Not because you were scared of him or anything. Having him sit next to you actually made you feel warm and present in the moment again. You were just hoping he'd stop by quickly and go home without noticing your state.

"Well, y/l/n..."

He emphasized your last name with a mischievous smile, taking a jab at you for calling him by his last name earlier, and he stared up ahead at the cherry blossom trees now lighted up by the street lights.

It was completely dark, and the cherry blossom trees looked even prettier now that they were laced with the white of the street lights. They looked like soft cotton balls, letting free some plucks of cotton in the wind every now and then.  
Unfortunately, there was also a street light next to the cherry blossom tree you were sitting under. If he looked at you, you were screwed. He'd immediately notice you have cried.

"... I have volley-" he started turning his head. Fuck.

You tried looking away. But when he cut his sentence short you knew he had seen. You looked down as a way to escape the situation, but you could feel he was looking right at you.

"...Hey, y/n, did you cry? Did something happen?"

His voice was soft and cautious. He spoke like you were made of glass, like he was afraid his words would break you.  
Fuck. Should you run? No, that would make it worse.  
You could hear the hurt in his voice. The only thing you could think of was how much you hated being a burden like this to others. You decided to tell him your thoughts straight up.

"It's nothing Toru, I really don't want to burden you. I'll be fine, I just had an off day. Everyone does, right?" You tried smiling, but he just looked at you with concern. He softened his concerned face with a smile and held your cold hand in his warm ones.

"You're not a burden to me, y/n."

You knew it was meant in just a friendly way but the words made your heart jump. Every muscle in your body released its tension and you breathed out. You looked up at him with questioning eyes, trying to gauge whether he actually cared or whether it was just his natural friendliness.

"Please tell me." He encouraged with pure genuineness.

That was all you needed to hear to release yourself into a state of uncalled-for oversharing. You absolutely hated this part of your personality, but you told him everything.

The smile slowly faded from his lips as he listened attentively. You told him everything; about how you stayed up late, how much weight you put on getting better, how you were never naturally good at anything and how much it hurt when others who work less hard ended up first.  
How your parents only fueled the toxicity within you with their constant comparing. How you were disgusted by your weakness. How you felt like passing out every day, and how you took this as a sign that you were actually using your time wisely. How you hated everything about yourself so much that it made you self-absorbed for all the wrong reasons and made you obsessively 'better youself'. And how that character trait of always trying to do better projected onto the outside world as confidence somehow, which only made you feel even less understood by those around you.

You ended your story with a heartfelt apology.

"Look, I'm sorry about this. I didn't know there would still be people around at this time. It's my fault, honestly, I should have checked up or-"

"Y/n, please shut up."

The absolute randomness of the comment made you let out a chuckle unwillingly and it caused Toru to laugh along. Your laughter eventually died out in two cold breaths.

"I never knew. You always seemed fine." He said as he rested his chin in his hands. His elbows were resting on his thighs and he was visibly deep in thought. You took his confession as a compliment.

"Good, it was supposed to stay like that." You smiled.

Toru looked back at you but you couldn't pin down the emotion on his face. Was it sadness? Pity? It better not be fucking pity. Was it ... sympathy?  
His lingering gaze made you look down at your hands. You took notice of how numb they had become because of the constant slight cold breeze.

"We're more alike than I thought." He started, suddenly. You looked up at him. "What?"

He just stayed quiet. He knew that your question wasn't an actual question. You had heard him very clearly.  
Instead, he continued.

"Everything you just said. I understand... unfortunately."

All emotion fell from his face, leaving a cold and distant expression behind. He turned to look at the school field again.

"It hurts when your best is never enough."

With that one sentence the whole conversation shifted. It seemed like he wasn't just talking about school and extracurriculars anymore.  
The words cut deeper. They were voiced in a slightly different tone, hinting at depths that Toru desperately tried to hide.  
It almost seemed like he was implying that his best was never enough...in life.

"You know, I stay up late, too." He said quickly as he smiled back in your direction. "But not for studying. I finish my homework in class."

He continued the conversation as if that little shift in his voice didn't just happen. As if the air around him didn't just completely change. He probably wanted to glaze over it. Act like it never happened.  
Part of you wanted to dig deeper and help him. But you also didn't want to push him when he was clearly doing his best to avoid it.  
So, you just played along.

"So, what are you staying up for?"

"Volleyball."

You looked at him puzzled. "You're staying up practicing?" You asked, widening your eyes.

He let out a chuckle. "No, no. My parents would kill me if I did."

"Well, what then?" You questioned curiously, staring right into his eyes.

It was the first time you noticed the colours so clearly. You knew he had brown eyes that matched his hair, but there was more. Hints of gold stood out to you, and darker hues mingled in with the warm brown tones. The street lights reflected warmly in his eyes. All you could think of was how safe you felt at that moment, right by his side. The thought made you look down in embarrassment. He didn't notice, though. He just continued his story.

"I analyze the games of our opponents."

"Oh, wow."

"What?"

"Oh, I guess I never knew something like that was important in volleyball," you confessed. You had almost zero knowledge of volleyball. You only went to support them at games every now and then because your friend group insisted on watching Aoba Johsai play.

"Yeah, a lot of players would agree with you," he said. "But it really is, trust me."

"Well, do you use that information in training, then?"

"Yeah, I usually set up a plan for rotation and possible techniques to make sure we are always prepared for the opponent's attacks. And I know the good points and lesser points of everyone in the team, so I know exactly who can do what and when."

"Wow, that's actually amazing."

"Well, y/n, don't be surprised. It's as if you didn't already know how amazing I am." He smiled at you, running his hand through his hair and side-eyeing you mischievously.

"Ok, ok, I take back my compliment if it is going to make you conceited." You retaliated while laughing.  
He joined you, causing your laughs to mingle into a cocktail of hurt covered by laughter.  
Anyone else would think you were genuinely having a good time, but you knew that you were both aware of how much was carefully masked under those laughs.  
When your laughter died out he suddenly put on a serious face.

"Y/n, that little breakdown you had..."

"It wasn't..."

"No, listen. I understand. I have those as well."

The confession shocked you to your core and you couldn't understand why exactly. It's just that you always thought that things came easy to Toru.  
You knew he worked for it, you just never knew that it was hard for him. His endless charming smile never betrayed him. And you would have never guessed he'd have 'breakdowns' like yours. We both hid it pretty well, you thought to yourself.

"Well, I never knew. I guess you're pretty good at hiding it as well." You smiled warmly, because you knew how much it hurt.

"Yeah..." was all he could let out, a sheepish smile lingering on his lips. But then he continued.

"I just always have them at home, though."

Oh no. He's going to say you're weak for breaking down in public. You couldn't blame him, though. It was weak of you, and you were definitely going to punish yourself for it in some way or another.  
However, it kind of hurt that he would think that. You genuinely thought he understood.

Your heart sank as you realized how stupid you must look to him, breaking down in public.  
You tried saving the last scraps of your persona as best as you could.

"Yeah, I know, it's embarrassing, huh? " You forced out laughter along with the truth.

You felt extremely embarrassed in that moment and made a mental note to never show weakness in public again, even if it seemed like no one was around.  
Toru looked at you hurt.

"That's not what I meant. Why are you immediately thinking I would have mean thoughts about you?" The look of concern on his face was a genuine one.

"It's not that I think you would think mean thoughts. It's how I feel about myself."

It came out in a matter-of-fact tone, because that's how it felt to you: as a fact.  
You let out an anxious chuckle afterwards to try and soften the statement. He stayed silent. It made you curious after a while so you looked up at him but you had to quickly look away once you met his eyes. You felt stripped naked; all your ugliness on display.  
Should you run away? No, that would make it even worse.

"I was gonna say you were probably really going through it if you would allow yourself to let go in the school field. You know, considering how strong you normally are."

Your head snapped up, eyes so wide it made you earn a hurtful smile from Toru. To this day you can't point out what you were feeling in that moment, but it was a lot at once. Sadness for him that he understood, relief, warmth, cold, anxiety, a connection.

Tears filled up your eyes and you let them stream down your face. His features showed all kinds of hurt. Fuck. You darted your head towards the cherry blossom trees and finally breathed out a long held-in breath.

"I can't anymore..." You told him truthfully. The sentence came out completely devoid of emotion. It wasn't a confession, not a feeling. It was a fact.

"I know." He said.

He pushed your head into his shoulder, tears forming in his own eyes. You put your hand on his chest to support your weight and watched the cherry blossoms fall in silence as you listened to his heartbeat. Experiencing his sign of life so intimately made you feel more alive than you had felt in months.

...

After that March evening, you slowly grew closer and closer. You waited for each other after school to talk on that same bench in the school field every day. You would always bring him milk bread because the dork loved it so much.  
Once, you brought him some milk bread you had made yourself and he hugged you for 10 minutes, refusing to let go. You found him absolutely endearing.

In return, he brought you jasmine tea in a carton cup from the cafeteria because he knew you loved it. He introduced you to volleyball during this time and seemed genuinely happy that you loved it so much and tried your best at it, sharing his passion with him.

You would talk for hours every day and ended up going on your first date that summer. You had once briefly mentioned to him that you would love to see the factory lights by the river at night, but that you were too scared to go alone after dark. Somehow he had remembered that meaningless passing comment of yours because for your first date he took you to watch the factory lights by the river.


	4. November 2020

####  _November 2020, y/n's point of view_

"Toru, I'm done."

You gaze up at him. He immediately retracts his hand from the wall next to you and takes a step back, eyes shot open.  
Fear gleams in his eyes. You almost regret the words that you have uttered but you know what the right choice is. You are breaking Toru apart.

"Y/n..."

"I can't anymore."

"No, y/n, don't say that. Baby, I'm sorry."

His voice cracks as he speaks your name and by the end of his sentence, he is crying. You look at the man in front of you and see the same crying boy you saw the night you had your first argument. He was just as scared then as he is now. You physically feel a sting in your chest; it scares you how much you care for him.  
He truly deserves happiness, and you're not giving it to him. No matter how hard you try, it ends up in you fucking everything up.

"I don't want to make you feel like this." You say, motioning your hands towards him to make him understand that you are referencing his current state.  
You can't watch Toru fall apart.

"No, y/n, it's not your fault."

He is lying. It _is_ your fault. You knew how he felt about others beating him, how he struggled with feelings of worthlessness. You knew how important volleyball was to him. Yet you chose yourself.

Even though he never openly told you it hurt him, his behaviour changed drastically once you got your scholarship. You should've picked up on the signs, but you chose to ignore them because it was convenient. You got carried away by your insecurities and got high on the feeling of being worthy for once in your life.

Only recently did you allow yourself to see the signs. Toru was getting worse and worse by the day and you did everything you could to understand why. You contacted all his friends, even spoke to his coach and teachers. It was Hajime who eventually told you. And when he did, you immediately broke free from your high.  
You remember thanking Hajime at least twenty times for telling you Toru's secret. Hajime, in turn, had told you that you could never tell Toru it was him who told you, because Toru had made him swear to never tell you. Hajime said he only told you because he, too, could see Toru's decline. And he could see the strain on your relationship and how hard you tried to make it better. He said he wanted you guys to be happy again, like before.  
And, honestly, that's all you wanted, too.

You look into Toru's red eyes, wanting nothing more than to hug him. But it doesn't feel the same as before. It feels as if an unbridgable distance has been put between the both of you within the last few seconds. So, you stay put.

"No, it is my fault. I finally understand that it is. And I'm sorry."

You pause. A sudden heavy silence settles in.

"Toru."

He is looking down, right hand placed partly on the upper side of his forehead and partly tangled in his hair. _I should tell him_ , you think to myself.

"I'm quitting volleyball."

His head shoots up and he looks at you in complete disbelief.

"Y/n, don't be ridiculous."

You just stare at each other as the rain patters on the window. You start talking but Toru cuts right in.

"You can't do that now." He blurts out, putting out his left arm in disbelief.

"Do you understand how far you have gotten? How are you going to apply to another university?"  
He looks at you impatiently, waiting for an answer. Any answer.

"No, you don't understand." You breathe out calmly. "I'm quitting. The plan is set, I know where I'm going next. I just need to tell the team."

He looks hurt to the core.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"When was the last time you didn't ignore me when I said we needed to talk, Toru? When was the last time we had a proper conversation?"

"I..."

He falls silent, looking at you from the other side of the room both hurt and confused. You hate it.  
Anxiety builds up in your body. Your shoulders start aching from how tensed up you are and you feel your heartbeat increase exponentially.

"Toru..." You start as you take a step forward. But his expression immediately changes to pure hostility.

"Do not take another step forward."

"But..."

"Y/n, I'm fucking serious." He howls. The sudden loudness of his voice makes your breath get stuck in your throat. Nausea settles in your stomach.

"How can you be such a heartless bitch?" He screams, face completely contorted in pure anger.  
"Do you get off on hurting me or something?"

The words cut deep, leave you speechless. All you wanted was to show Toru that you would never put anything above his happiness, not even volleyball. All you wanted was for everything to be okay, but everything is falling apart instead.

"Fuck you." He growls before grabbing his coat and storming out of your shared apartment.

You open your mouth pathetically, trying to say anything. But you can't. You just stand there completely dissociated, nailed to the ground and helplessly watching the man you love leave.


	5. Toru's November 2020 (I)

####  _November 2020, Toru's point of view (I)_

I grab my coat and run outside our shared apartment. Once outside I let out a deep sigh and start walking down the street. The scene from a moment ago races through my mind. I already regret everything I said.

But I do feel angry. I just can't understand whether I'm angry at her or at myself.  
How can she be so reckless? Why is she stopping now all of a sudden? Why didn't I listen? Why did she start in the first place if she's just gonna give up so easily?

I've never loved anyone as much as I've loved her. I should be happy that she found something she's good at. Especially because I know how much she has struggled through feelings of worthlessness.  
But I have those feelings, too, and I never found the thing I'm good at. Instead, I am being overshadowed in the only thing I _thought_ I was good at.  
I can't feel hostility towards her because it doesn't make sense to hate the one you love. But I do, and I hate myself for it.

I've tried to distance myself from her when I felt particularly hostile so that I wouldn't take it out on her. I tried to keep her with me by distancing my ugliness from her. But I ended up wedging space between us.  
Every day I missed her, but when I saw her I felt hate. Hate towards her and myself.  
Hate for myself because I hated her for something so stupid, because I'm worthless, because I never achieve anything.

And she... She worked so hard for that scholarship. More and more every day because the results motivated her. And I did less and less, not seeing the point in it anymore.  
She always checked if I was okay with the situation. She asked if it was okay to join the volleyball team, she asked if it was okay to join the competitive team. She even asked if it was okay to go to nationals and if it was okay if she took up the offer for the scholarship. And I always told her that it was fine because I wanted it to be fine. But it wasn't. I wasn't.

Rain dampens my hair and my clothes and within minutes I am wet and cold to the bone. I don't think I ever really registered it, though. I was too busy overthinking the past six years under the cold lights of the city.

I put my hood up and walk through the dark abandoned streets, watching the lively city die down due to the downpour.  
A weird blue hue hangs over the city; it's the direct result of the dark clouds above me. I catch glimpses of the inside of warmly lit apartments where couples and families hide together from nature's crying session. Tears well up in my eyes at the sight and I allow my tears to mingle with those of the sky.  
I never noticed it but I was making a beeline for the river this entire time. The one with the sparkly factory lights that y/n loves so much.

I come to a halt right before the water and look around for a bench to sit on. Not finding any, I decide to just sit on the little wall separating the water from the walking path. I mean, I am wet and cold already, and honestly, I don't care.  
I settle down and just gaze at the factory lights and at their reflection in the unruly water.

My thoughts consume my mind immediately after I sit down. Our first date comes to mind.  
I remember how I asked her where she wanted to go. Nothing could have prepared me for the answer she was going to give. I was thinking of a movie, a summer festival, a cafe. But she blurted out 'the river, you know with the factory lights' almost immediately, her eyes glistening with anticipation.

Her eyes. They were always watching me. In everything she did, her eyes analyzed me, tried to unravel the thoughts that I couldn't even unravel myself. She tried so hard; tried so hard to help me love myself, tried so hard to fight _those thoughts_ away for me.  
She tried so hard for me, and I gave her nothing in return.

Y/n always cared too much, did too much, gave up her own happiness and set aside her own needs for the ones she loved.  
She was always 'fine'. Despite the occasional breakdowns. But she would do everything she could to hide those. For my sake.  
She would break down in the bathroom and after me holding her for an hour she'd look up at me with tears in her eyes and a big smile telling me she was fine. She was always fine. She had to be, because I was making it disgustingly clear that I wasn't fine. So, she had to be strong for us both.

And she was strong. I was the only person to see her breakdowns. And she was the only one to see mine. We bonded over our darkest depths. Helped each other through the most intense emotions, thrived off of each other, formed a team against the world together.  
March 2015 marked the beginning of feeling like I belonged somewhere, feeling like someone could love even my ugliest parts. Yet I took it for granted. I let the jealousy cloud my mind. I let it plague my brain.

She noticed me struggling. She noticed me distancing myself over the years.  
And she probably didn't understand why because I had told her the whole volleyball thing was fine. And it couldn't have been anything else. Everything else was fine. We were supposed to be happy.  
So, she spent the last few years doing everything she could to get back the boy that she fell in love with under the cherry blossom tree in artificial light.

But I never came back. I walked away from her. Volleyball was the one thing she found that gave her true happiness, one thing she couldn't set aside or sacrifice for others, and I made her life hell for it.  
I demanded she gave that up, too.  
Even if I didn't demand it directly, I punished her for it in a horrible way: by pushing her away. I pushed away the only person in my life who understood me, who truly cared for me.  
I punished her for holding onto one sliver of happiness, because it was supposed to be _my_ happiness. I'm disgusting. I'm disgustingly selfish.

And now she's broken up with me in a way that is in character for her, too.  
After endless giving, sacrificing her own happiness for the ones she loves, and taking all the shit people give her, somewhere along the line, far down the line, it gets too much. And she snaps. And she turns ice cold, finally leaving behind the person that has wronged her a dozen times.  
It has only happened twice in her life: once with her father, and now with me.  
I knew this would happen. She has every right to make this happen. I would have never given myself so many chances.

I breathe out a condensed cloud into the solemn November air, watching it cloud the factory lights in my vision.  
She has every right to make this happen. And I should allow her to make it happen. At least make her happy in this way. Make her happy by disappearing from her life, because being in it has tormented her. I have tormented her.

I tried my best to keep her safe from myself. I thought I was doing okay at it, too. Thought that I was sparing her. But I was only sparing myself.

Tears stream down my eyes and my constant heaving is starting to make me nauseous. One sentence keeps repeating in my mind,

'I'm losing her, I'm losing her, I'm losing her.'

I start shaking uncontrollably. My head shoots up from watching my lap and I hectically look around. Everything seems unreal, not there. The factory lights seem to move, or am I looking at the reflection in the water? The world is slowly losing its meaning, the objects don't seem to make sense anymore.

Hyperventilating causes my sight to spin, dizziness adding to the fear I already felt. I clutch the ground with my numb hands, letting my fingers feel the pain of the concrete scraping against them, hoping it will take me back to reality.

I feel anger towards myself. All this time I have tried to keep her with me. But the tactic was wrong.  
And now I finally understand what went wrong. I understand how I fucked it up. I now know I shouldn't have pushed her away, I know how to save us. But my sorry ass is _still_ pushing her away by letting her leave me so easily. I can already imagine how all of this must look to her; it looks like I'm not even trying to save us, like I don't care.  
I smack my head with my hands repeatedly, crying out into the cold air.  
Minutes pass by in which I'm just crying, holding my face in my hands.

After a while, I look up from my hands and stare at the factories again. Just now I notice their white smoke contrasting forcefully against the ink-blue sky. Numbness settles in my body. The aftermath of an emotional climax.

I don't know how, but I think my breakdown helped me get back to reality because the world around me makes sense once more and I feel again. I feel the November cold again. And the pain.

I can't lose her, not when I know exactly how I can save us.  
Sudden resolution sparks in mind and I take my phone from the pocket of my jacket. With shaky hands, I dial her number that I have memorized by heart.

We need one more chance, I need one more chance.


	6. Toru's November 2020 (II)

####  _November 2020, Toru's point of view (II)_

"Hello?" Her voice. My heart skips a beat upon hearing it.

" _Y/n, please, come and take me away from here_ ," I say quietly, trying hard to suppress my sniffling.

A loud silence ensues. I can hear only the static of the phone for what seems like ages.

"Of course, where are you?"

I don't deserve her.

"By the river."

"Oh my god, Toru, were you planning to get on a boat and sail away from me?" She giggles.

I laugh, massaging my nose bridge with my thumb and index finger as tears form in my eyes. How can she forgive me so quickly?

"I'll be there in a few minutes, please be safe."

"Thank you."

I hesitate but say it anyway:

"Please drive safely, y/n."

"I'll be fine, I've had a lot of training."

I know that she is referring to the fact that she had to retake her driving exam three times. I love her.  
I want to tell her like we always do at the end of our phone calls, but something is stopping me. I try to fight it and force myself to speak up. Just as I want to utter the three words, her voice reaches my ears.

"Well, hang on a bit, I'm leaving now. I'll see you in a few."

"Yeah, ok."

She hangs up.

I take away the phone from my ear and stare at the lock screen. It is a picture of us under the cherry blossom trees in our former high school's field.  
However, the picture was taken a year after we had left high school and had started university.  
One day, completely out of the blue, she said she wanted to take me on a date and we ended up there at sunset. I was confused at first but she started talking unapologetically about how that night in sophomore year changed her life, and how grateful she was to have met me.

Never in my life had I felt loved as much as I did in that very moment. It was then that I knew I wanted to spend my life with her.  
The thought of serious commitment scared her, though, so I promised myself I wouldn't bring it up for another five years. But I knew.

And now we end our phone call without saying I love you. It's not like it's the first time; sometimes we simply forget. But it's different this time. It wasn't forgotten. It was purposely avoided.

One sentence keeps urging its way into my thoughts and no matter how much I try to get rid of it, I can't. I physically slap my palms against my temples over and over again, but the thought increasingly darkens my mind. _This is where I lose my soulmate_.

She arrives 20 minutes later with a blanket and something to eat and drink.  
She opens the door and runs towards me, hugging me tightly in the specific way she always does. She pulls away and looks me in my eyes. I gaze back at her and notice her red and puffy eyes scanning my face attentively.

"Are you okay?" she asks.

"Yeah." I smile. _I am now_.

The drive back home is different but okay. We stay quiet apart from occasionally alerting each other of the pretty surroundings. It's not an uncomfortable silence necessarily. It is needed.

We just sit in each other's presence, looking outside, listening to her playlist.  
It's almost like our usual night drives. Almost.


	7. Toru's November 2020 (III)

####  _November 2020, Toru's point of view (III)_

Once inside the apartment she gives me a warm smile.

"I put some clean clothes in the bathroom if you wanna take a shower. I'll be right here," she says as she motions to the couch.

"I... Thanks." I say, trying to ignore the tingling feeling in my stomach that started when she smiled at me. I can't believe I still get butterflies after all this time.

I take a rather quick shower, adding some extra minutes at the end to let the warmth soak into my bones. When I finally feel my back muscles release some tension, I stop the water, dry off and dress in the clothes she prepared for me.

I walk into the living room, standing in the doorway as I take in her silhouette in the dim light of the apartment. Despite her efforts of composing herself I can see she is deathly anxious.

My heart breaks at the sight and I immediately walk over to her, acting as normally as I can. I lift the arm she had placed in her lap and let my head rest in its place, looking up at her with a smile. "Hey."

"Hey," she says as she gives a smile back.

We stay silent for a while, her fingers tracing invisible pictures on my chest while I look up at the ceiling.

"You know," she begins.

I immediately shift all my attention to her.

"When you left, the only thing I could think of was the first time we danced in the kitchen."

A sorrowful smile plays on her lips right before she glances over at me.

"Do you remember?"

I just nod, not understanding where she is going with the sudden reminiscing of that specific memory.

"I had trouble falling asleep that night so I went to the kitchen to get some milk. And you know me, I had to listen to some music. So, I just stood there, drinking milk and listening to music in the middle of the night. Probably spacing out."

She laughs at the image of herself.

"And then you came in. I really thought you'd be pissed, because you had to get up early that morning."

I watch her as she reminisces the core memory.

"But you weren't angry. You opened the fridge, and I thought that you would just grab something to drink as well and join me. But you spun me around instead."

She giggles as she looks out into the distance, the memory probably playing in her mind like a film.

"And then we danced in the refrigerator light, at 2 A.M."

A tear falls from her left eye but she quickly wipes it away. I remembered the night vividly, too, but I had never thought it would make such an impression on her.

I stay silent, because I know that this is not a conversation. This is her thinking out loud. And I let her. I just listen attentively, completely intrigued by her every word.

"I spent a lot of time thinking about why that memory would come up in a situation like this. But I think I know now."

She looks me in the eyes, hers filled to the brim with tears.

"I think I just want what we had back then."

I hold her hand that was still mindlessly drawing on my chest and squeeze it tightly.

"Baby, I'm sorry." It leaves my mouth as a whisper.

She laughs. "No, it's okay, I was just..."

"Y/n. You don't have to accept my apology... But I need you to know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I... couldn't."

I never specify what it is that I couldn't, but she understands. Her free hand finds its way in my hair, stroking it lovingly.

"I know, Toru."

"I wish I'd been more honest with you." I force out, thanking god that she allows me in little by little.

"I always told you you could tell me everything." She says.

"I know."

I analyze her face. The red on her cheeks makes me think back to a childhood photo of her that she showed me a few months ago. In that picture she was sitting on the sand in overalls, ice cream in one hand and the other hand placed on her summer hat to make it stay in place. She had the most happy smile on her face and her cheeks were just as red as they are now.

A smile forms on my lips at the thought. I love that picture.  
I think about telling her about it, but I choose to leave the words unspoken. I'll tell her another time, when her face warms up red from smiling instead.

"You know, I never liked volleyball." She states unexpectedly.

The sudden confession makes my eyes shoot up at her face, concentrating ardently as I try to find an answer in her features. She just laughs.

"Yeah. I only accepted your invite because I knew how much you loved it. And I just wanted to participate in something that you cared about. I wanted to share an important part of your life. That was it. I never meant to get serious about it."

Tears well up in my eyes at the thought of her caring so much about me that she would pick up something she didn't even like. Just for my sake.  
I gulp down a few times, blinking heavily and looking around the room to regain composure.

"But..." Her smile disappears. "... finding something I was naturally good at just encouraged me to keep going."

She stares off into the distance for a while.

"You know," I begin.

She glances back at me, her questioning eyes looking into mine and reassuring me that I'm safe.  
I continue anxiously.

"I think I would have done the exact same thing if I had been you. I know I would've felt the same."

"Yeah, but still. I'm sorry I underestimated the effect it had on you."

"No, _I'm_ sorry for underestimating the effect it had on _me_." I retaliate honestly.

She looks at me in absolute confusion.  
I guess I'm confessing now.  
I take in a deep breath, diverting my gaze from hers.

"Even though I always told you it was okay, it never was. I tried my best to never confess to myself how hard it was on me, but I couldn't ignore it anymore."

My eyes start stinging from the forming tears but I immediately swallow them away and push myself to continue.

"I guess I broke today."

I expect her to stay quiet. And she does, for a while. But she speaks up, clearly still needing to get something off her chest as well.

"You always told me it was okay. And I stupidly believed it. I think I just wanted to believe it because it was convenient for me as well."

I squeeze her hand again, telling her it's okay without having to speak up. Because if I speak now, I won't be able to hold back the tears anymore.

All these years of pain and hurting each other could've been avoided if we had just honestly spoken to each other about it like we do now.  
And she always tried, too. Always telling me we 'should talk, like really talk.'  
I dismissed all of those chances. I allowed myself to stay in pain.

She continues with a shaky voice.

"I only noticed, or _allowed myself_ to notice, this year. Once it dawned on me that I was probably hurting you I immediately made plans to quit. I didn't think about it twice, I never hesitated and I never regretted it once I told my coach."

I watch a tear slip from each of her eyes. The sight clenches my throat shut.

"Toru, why do you self-sabotage?"

Her sudden frank question catches me off guard.

"What?"

She sniffles before continuing.

"Why did you try so hard to ignore your own suffering? No, wait, I think I know the answer. You wanted to spare me or something, right? You wanted everything to seem okay so we would be okay as well. That's why you never wanted to have serious conversations."

She's right.

"But the only thing you did was get in the way of your own happiness. Do you still feel you don't deserve happiness, Toru?"  
Her voice cracks.  
"I thought you'd let go of that."  
It's a reference to one very painful conversation we had in the early stages of our relationship, when I laid bare the darkest parts of my mind.

She looks down at me, absolutely bawling her eyes out. She's... hurting for me. It's not pity. She knows I hate pity. She's truly hurting with me, for me, like she always does.  
I reach out to wipe away her tears, watching her with wide eyes as the tears that should fall from my eyes fall from hers instead. I can't understand how she understands me so well.

I can't understand why she cares for me so much. But something is telling me that she may not be lying. That she truly loves me, that she truly wants me happy. The thought makes my stomach turn. Never would I have thought that someone could feel that way for me. Truly feel that way for me.  
Someone who doesn't just like my facade, someone who doesn't just like my countless masks I have carefully crafted to hide the disgusting me inside.  
Someone who understands that all I want is for everyone and everything to be okay, but that my thoughts make twists and turns which somehow result in toxic behaviour.  
Yet she somehow understands, understands the intentions behind the fucked up actions. She's able to see through the actions and love me for those intentions. She's able to love me. She's the strongest person I know.

"You should have told me earlier that it hurt you, Toru. You should have allowed yourself. I would never put anything above you."

After years of having felt replaceable, unwanted and like just plain human waste, her words hit me harder than I thought they would.  
The tears I'd been holding in come flooding down and I find myself crawling up to her in a fetus position. My hands clutch her sleeping shirt and I scream. Scream and cry years of uncried tears.

"I'm always here, Toru."

Those are the last words uttered for a long time.  
The next hour we stay like that, me in her lap and her stroking my hair.  
Both crying for years of lost happiness.

...

We eventually came to the conclusion that we cared about each other deeply, but that it would be best if we had a break for half a year. We promised to have a catch-up talk over coffee every now and then to make sure we're both doing alright.  
I didn't want to lose her, not even for six months, but I knew I needed to work on myself for a bit.  
Confront myself.

All I could think about was six months from now. Happiness.


	8. March 2021

####  _March 2021, y/n's point of view_

You walk around in your apartment, the sun slowly rising over the river. It is still dark, though, so the lights of the many high buildings around you are still on.  
You love this time of day.

Toru does, too. He'd always go on the craziest early morning runs. You went along as much as you could and you'd always stop to watch the sunrise together. The thought of those small moments with your boyfriend makes you smile warmly.

In eight weeks your six-month break will be over but you have already made up your mind months ago.  
Toru has given you so much.  
You want him by your side and help him the way he has helped you.  
You want to take on this life together.

The thought of him fills you with gratitude and you think about how you should call him and ask for a meet-up over coffee soon.  
You get your cup of coffee and walk towards the big windows to look out over the city waking up. You gaze around at nothing in particular and look into the apartments straight across from you. You honestly don't like staring into other people's homes but seeing so many different people wake up in so many different ways calms and warms you.

You focus specifically on a young family; the mom and dad are frantically running around making breakfast for themselves and their three children.

Toru always wanted three children... He loves them...

You shake away the thought quickly.

Seeing the family sit down after all the hectic running around, now smiling and enjoying each other's company at the breakfast table, makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  
You reinforce the mental note of calling up Toru.

As you take a sip of your coffee you watch a boat pass by across the river. You didn't really notice the news that was quietly playing in the background until something caught your attention. You could swear you heard 'Oikawa'. You hate myself for being so sharply attuned to even the mentioning of his name. But loving him has become a part of you after all those years.

You raise the volume of the news as you walk over to the television, crossing your arms over your cotton sleeping shirt and sipping the hot coffee every now and then, waiting for the segment to come on.  
They were just finishing up a story about a flood somewhere.  
_Breaking news_ spreads out across the television screen before returning to the normal setup with the news anchor. The subtitles change and you force your sleepy eyes to focus on the text.

"Volleyball player Oikawa Toru found dead in high school field. Possible suicide."

Your eyes shoot open, blood rushing through your ears and heart pounding forcefully against the inside of your chest. Ringing mixes with the sound of the TV, the female voice of the news reporter starts increasingly hollowing out, as if she is speaking through walls. Her voice seems to fade away from the world, but it could very well be you that is fading.

You feel like throwing up. You set down the coffee mug on the cooking island and try resting your weight onto your elbows on the counter. Tears come up but you force them away.  
You look around hastily, then make your way to the entrance of your apartment. You feel yourself losing control over your body, shaking legs almost unable to support your weight any longer.

You put on slippers and a winter coat and with shaky hands you rummage the drawers for the house keys. Everything after that is a blur.  
You know you crossed streets, you know you've used public transportation. But you don't remember anything vividly other than how your body felt: shaking, heart pounding so hard it made you nauseous, vision blurry, head spinning.

The next thing you know is that you stood in front of your old high school, police tape blocking you from running onto the field.  
Cherry blossoms were raining down from the trees, the sight causing flashbacks of March 2015 to play before your eyes.  
The police lights alternately coloured the trees red and blue. The whole scene felt artificial. Unreal.  
You didn't know you were crying until you felt a wet coldness on your face.

Police and health care workers were talking to each other across the field. You heard their faint words in the distance; "volleyball player", "suicide", "jumped".

Where is he? You look around frantically, eyes scanning the nostalgic school grounds. Never blinking once, you look for a tall brown-haired boy, smiling and waving at you.

Then you see it. You see the white blood-stained blanket over his body as two healthcare workers struggle to put him inside the ambulance.  
Some familiar chocolate brown locks are left uncovered by the clinically white sheet.

Gone. He's gone.

"No..." You choke out. A white cloud of condensation leaves your mouth as tears come falling down.

Mental images of his body, severed and covered in blood, shoot before your eyes.

And then images of him simply being himself.  
The way his under-eyes would crease when he laughed. How he would slightly pull on your clothes to show you something exciting. How he would look when he was fully concentrating on something. The way he would hold his morning tea. How he would do everything he could to make his little nephew laugh when they were having a photoshoot.  
The way he looked under the cherry blossom trees that March evening...

"Toru, please..." You say to no one in particular.

You just stand there, arms hanging limply along your body, completely frozen, completely numb.  
This cannot be your reality. Not yours.  
You don't want to be here.

" _Toru, please, come and take me away from here_."


	9. author's note and a thank you :)

hi, i'm very sorry for this sad story <3 

i wanted to show how suicide can come very suddenly, with little to no warning signs, and you're left wondering how it could have ever gotten to this point. i wanted to show how some people are very good at hiding their demons.

i know that loved ones of those who commit suicide sometimes feel guilty, like they should've done more. but some things are out of your control. and you're not to blame.

and if you are struggling with suicidal thoughts yourself: your existence matters. and i care about you. it may not feel like it now, but this world still has a lot to offer to you. please allow yourself to get the help that you deserve. and please remember: suicide is not a solution, it is a way of cutting out other possible solutions.

i hope you're all okay.

thank you to every single one of you that took the time to read my story. it means the world to me.


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